ONE DAY, ONE DAY... I HOPE.

Dreamer... Never let it be said that a dream is a waste of one’s time, for dreams are our realties in waiting. In dreams, we plant the seeds for our future.
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When it comes to our journey to baby, so much has happened in the last 5 years. In regards to telling our story from the beginning, it sometimes feels hard to know where to start. There are parts of our story I’ve not thought about for a while, but feel it’s time to rehash; to get it all written down in one place, especially before starting this next chapter of a 4th round of IVF and exploring gestational surrogacy. For this second ever blog post it felt logical for me to break down our fertility journey to date. But truthfully, as I began to write about our first miscarriage in 2014, I felt overwhelmed. Not only was it hard to relive the thoughts and feelings surrounding that painful time, but also thinking about the many, many mountains we have climbed since, and all the time that has passed, still with nothing to show. The many hurdles. The failures. The surprises. The constant heartbreaks. It’s depressing when you think about it. So I stopped writing. I am still determined to get it all written down, despite knowing it won’t be an easy task, but I just need a little time. I know there could very well be aspects to our story that could help others in theirs, so I will definitely get it done!

In the meantime I wanted to share with you a very vivid dream I had the other night. The most significant part of the dream that I remember so clearly, and something that felt so real, was me holding my baby in my arms, feeling as content as could be, breastfeeding him or her and soaking up every single detail of that precious moment. It’s the chapter I’ve longed to become a reality for so long. It may sound strange, as this dream was only a fragment of my imagination, but that bond, the feelings and emotions I felt in the dream were so strong. So moving. So powerful. It was the kind of dream you never want to wake up from. It was bliss.

It’s not the first time I’ve had this kind of dream, but it’s also not a dream I have often. I reckon it’s been well over a year since I had a dream similar. I’m actually surprised I don’t have them more often. Perhaps it’s my subconscious trying to protect my heart and mind. Even though it’s sad waking up to a different reality, it was nice while it lasted…

Out of curiosity, I ended up asking Google what it meant to have a breastfeeding dream and it told me: “Breastfeeding suggests having a baby, and all of the implications - motherhood, nurturing, caring for someone, falling in love, protecting, tenderness. So the dream could be the expression of the deep desire to become a mother…”

Spot on. I would say I am a natural nurturer and my desire to become a mother is something I have felt from a very early age. Everyone is different, but I know many can relate to always having had a strong maternal instinct. It’s weird that in some of these dreams I feel like I know what I’m doing and like I have done it all before. It always feels so natural. So right.

As much as I would love to say I think I would be alright and content with a life of never becoming a mother to a child earth-side, I’m not sure that would be entirely true. In fact, I know it wouldn’t be. As cheesy as it might sound, I feel like motherhood is my destiny. I wish I didn’t feel that way. I even feel weak for saying that, as I know I shouldn't allow my longing to become a mother dictate how I feel about my identity or who I am. But motherhood is a desire that is so deeply ingrained... How do you come to terms with that desire never being fulfilled? I know of many woman and couples who have had to face this painful reality - those who have bravely embraced a child-free life - these are people I have so much admiration for. I wish I was stronger and not scared about potentially living a life without children. But I am.

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For years I have done my best to ignore those burning questions in my mind. It’s the wondering that plagues us all at some point in our fertility journey… “Is it ever going to happen? Will I ever get the baby I have always longed for?” Waiting and wondering if that day will ever come, month after month, year after year, is excruciating and often all consuming. It wrongfully takes over so much of your life, and is something many people will never truly understand unless they’ve been through it themselves.

It is the unknown that is unnerving. It becomes a daily task to keep feelings of stress and anxiety to a minimum. But, you know what? We all know worrying gets us nowhere. It won’t change a thing. All it will do is just destroy our present. And that would be allowing infertility and its darkness to enter the light that is so precious in your lives. It’s easier said than done, but in attempts to take back some control, I’ve been trying to focus my daily energy on things I DO KNOW…

I know that Tim & I are capable of remaining a strong unit as we continue to fight to make our dream a reality.

I know we are open to the options we still have available to us to bring a baby into our lives.

I know there is still hope for us.

I know I have so much to be grateful for, and try to practice gratitude regularly.

I know I have the capabilities to not allow the unknown to drive me crazy.

I know we are armoured with so much knowledge now that we didn’t have at the beginning of this journey.

I know we are not alone.

I know we are not completely broken.

And I know it is not the end.

Keep on dreaming & focusing on the blessings that surround you in this season of waiting, dear sisters. Practicing daily gratitude has so much power over any negativity that so often feels the need to creep its way into our overthinking minds. Remember - you are stronger than you know. You got this!

Tell me, have any of you ever had these kinds of vivid dreams before?

Love, light and baby dust!

xo