ONE DAY, ONE DAY... I HOPE.

“Dreamer... Never let it be said that a dream is a waste of one’s time, for dreams are our realties in waiting. In dreams, we plant the seeds for our future.”

When it comes to our journey to baby, so much has happened in the last 5 years. In regards to telling our story from the beginning, it sometimes feels hard to know where to start. There are parts of our story I’ve not thought about for a while, but feel it’s time to rehash; to get it all written down in one place, especially before starting this next chapter of a 4th round of IVF and exploring gestational surrogacy. For this second ever blog post it felt logical for me to break down our fertility journey to date. But truthfully, as I began to write about our first miscarriage in 2014, I felt overwhelmed. Not only was it hard to relive the thoughts and feelings surrounding that painful time, but also thinking about the many, many mountains we have climbed since, and all the time that has passed, still with nothing to show. The many hurdles. The failures. The surprises. The constant heartbreaks. It’s depressing when you think about it. So I stopped writing. I am still determined to get it all written down, despite knowing it won’t be an easy task, but I just need a little time. I know there could very well be aspects to our story that could help others in theirs, so I will definitely get it done!

In the meantime I wanted to share with you a very vivid dream I had the other night. The most significant part of the dream that I remember so clearly, and something that felt so real, was me holding my baby in my arms, feeling as content as could be, breastfeeding him or her and soaking up every single detail of that precious moment. It’s the chapter I’ve longed to become a reality for so long. It may sound strange, as this dream was only a fragment of my imagination, but that bond, the feelings and emotions I felt in the dream were so strong. So moving. So powerful. It was the kind of dream you never want to wake up from. It was bliss.

It’s not the first time I’ve had this kind of dream, but it’s also not a dream I have often. I reckon it’s been well over a year since I had a dream similar. I’m actually surprised I don’t have them more often. Perhaps it’s my subconscious trying to protect my heart and mind. Even though it’s sad waking up to a different reality, it was nice while it lasted…

Out of curiosity, I ended up asking Google what it meant to have a breastfeeding dream and it told me: “Breastfeeding suggests having a baby, and all of the implications - motherhood, nurturing, caring for someone, falling in love, protecting, tenderness. So the dream could be the expression of the deep desire to become a mother…”

Spot on. I would say I am a natural nurturer and my desire to become a mother is something I have felt from a very early age. Everyone is different, but I know many can relate to always having had a strong maternal instinct. It’s weird that in some of these dreams I feel like I know what I’m doing and like I have done it all before. It always feels so natural. So right.

As much as I would love to say I think I would be alright and content with a life of never becoming a mother to a child earth-side, I’m not sure that would be entirely true. In fact, I know it wouldn’t be. As cheesy as it might sound, I feel like motherhood is my destiny. I wish I didn’t feel that way. I even feel weak for saying that, as I know I shouldn't allow my longing to become a mother dictate how I feel about my identity or who I am. But motherhood is a desire that is so deeply ingrained... How do you come to terms with that desire never being fulfilled? I know of many woman and couples who have had to face this painful reality - those who have bravely embraced a child-free life - these are people I have so much admiration for. I wish I was stronger and not scared about potentially living a life without children. But I am.

For years I have done my best to ignore those burning questions in my mind. It’s the wondering that plagues us all at some point in our fertility journey… “Is it ever going to happen? Will I ever get the baby I have always longed for?” Waiting and wondering if that day will ever come, month after month, year after year, is excruciating and often all consuming. It wrongfully takes over so much of your life, and is something many people will never truly understand unless they’ve been through it themselves.

It is the unknown that is unnerving. It becomes a daily task to keep feelings of stress and anxiety to a minimum. But, you know what? We all know worrying gets us nowhere. It won’t change a thing. All it will do is just destroy our present. And that would be allowing infertility and its darkness to enter the light that is so precious in your lives. It’s easier said than done, but in attempts to take back some control, I’ve been trying to focus my daily energy on things I DO KNOW…

I know that Tim & I are capable of remaining a strong unit as we continue to fight to make our dream a reality.

I know we are open to the options we still have available to us to bring a baby into our lives.

I know there is still hope for us.

I know I have so much to be grateful for, and try to practice gratitude regularly.

I know I have the capabilities to not allow the unknown to drive me crazy.

I know we are armoured with so much knowledge now that we didn’t have at the beginning of this journey.

I know we are not alone.

I know we are not completely broken.

And I know it is not the end.

Keep on dreaming & focusing on the blessings that surround you in this season of waiting, dear sisters. Practicing daily gratitude has so much power over any negativity that so often feels the need to creep its way into our overthinking minds. Remember - you are stronger than you know. You got this!

Tell me, have any of you ever had these kinds of vivid dreams before?

Love, light and baby dust!

xo

BEHIND THE HAPPY EXTERIOR

“In a world where everyone wears a mask, it’s a privilege to see a soul.”

— Amanda Richardson

Hello dear friends, both old and new!

My husband, Tim, and I have been sharing our journey online for almost three years now as we’ve navigated our way through the very unexpected path of infertility, IVF and recurrent pregnancy loss. We have shared so much of this deeply personal experience in the most raw and honest way possible, as we have felt and continue to feel, that it is such an important aspect of life to share. An aspect of life that is often hidden or masked by a seemingly carefree exterior. I believe any story that involves struggle is worth sharing. Infertility, miscarriage and loss are such taboo subjects, with a lot of misconceptions surrounding them, so I feel a deep commitment and responsibility to break the silence. It is important for people to feel comfortable to speak their truth and share their experiences with whomever, if they wish. We deserve support and to feel loving energy around us. It is that loving energy that makes the inevitable negative energy bearable each day. Most importantly, we want to share our story in hopes it will help others feel less alone in their own struggles.

Never did we imagine our path to parenthood being this difficult.

Through our struggles we have realised our strength. We have realised our power. We have realised our capabilities; individually and as a couple.

I plan for this blog to allow me to extend my micro-blog captions I often post on Instagram, and to discuss more in depth all things fertility, IVF, loss and LIFE in general, because let’s face it - when consumed by these mammoth topics, it can become easy to lose sight of the fact that life is to be LIVED and enjoyed. That pain will never win.

Having a platform like Instagram has allowed me to share my heart with you all through my writing; from the days I feel positive, inspired and hopeful, to the days I can barely get out of bed, feeling like the world is crumbling in around me, with no idea what to do or where to go to next. The lack of control, anxiety and fear can be crippling. The extent of research we feel we need to do, and the lack of knowledge we fear we have, can leave us drowning in self doubt.

If you are reading this, you have most likely experienced infertility yourself, or know someone who has. Daily I am reminded of how blessed I am to have crossed paths with so many beautiful souls, each navigating their way through their own challenges. I love connecting with people from around the world and sharing in our experiences and knowledge. Like I always say, knowledge is power! And to become your own advocate, you must become knowledgable. There is also something truly magical about how close you can instantly feel to someone, a complete stranger, who has in many ways walked in your shoes. And what a relief it is realising you don’t have to struggle alone! That your vulnerable feelings are validated and heard by many. That your grief matters. That YOU matter. There is such beauty in this incredible online infertility tribe - we support one another through it all - the good, the bad, and the ugly, and are definitely coming out of the shadows!

Over the years I have sometimes felt like we are living two lives. Our “regular” life / the life we were living before TTC, and the shadowed life that slowly but firmly creeps its way in, eventually taking over our every thought and weighing on us oh so heavily. It becomes a big part of our lives that leaves us feeling like we are living in constant confusion and doubt, always seeking ways to cope. It is a part of our lives we know many won’t understand, and maybe we choose not to confide in people because we’re afraid of what they will say, or the assumptions they will make. People can say such ignorant things, despite often meaning well. So we tend to keep that part of our lives to ourselves. We keep our hearts guarded. And we just pray for the next chapter to begin…... But as time goes on, it can feel like you are hiding such a massive secret that is impacting you so deeply, whilst trying to pretend that everything is sunshine and roses. And having to put this mask on around friends, family, and/or work colleagues is challenging beyond words.

Infertility and loss can engulf you in feelings of isolation, but luckily, platforms like YouTube and Instagram are spaces I discovered quite early on in our journey. Surrounding myself with an incredible community of strong and determined warriors is one of the best things I could’ve done. Hearing the MANY stories of hope always provided me with a boost of faith I often so desperately needed. I was not alone. And what a comfort that was. 

If by sharing our experiences we can help even just one person save on valuable time, money and unnecessary heartache in their own journey, our job will be done. But my aim is to help as many as possible. I would not wish this experience on anyone. If we can turn the pain we have had to endure over the last 5 years into something meaningful and positive, then it will make even those darkest days seem worthwhile.

So there we go - my first blog post, with many more to come!

Would love for you to let me know you’re here by commenting below - tell me, what are 3 things, apart from your partner, fur babies, family and friends, that have helped keep you sane throughout this rollercoaster of a journey?

Gosh, it’s like the desert island question! So hard to pick just 3, but for me they would have to be music, writing, and my all time favourite tv show Friends… and ice-cream!

Please feel free to share this blog post to help break the silence that surrounds infertility, as well as sharing it with those you know who might benefit from having access to an added support space. We are in this together!

Love, light and baby dust…

xo